SparX Recap

I spent the month of January concentrating on improving my lamentably shabby Lindy Hopping abilities. To this end I attended a wonderful four week intermediate Lindy series by Swing Ann Arbor on Wednesday evenings. The culmination of my month was attending the SparX workshop in Cleveland, OH last weekend. In the hope that you will find my misadventures amusing and that I will be better able to remember the weekend, I feel I should record the weekend happenings before I go dancing this evening and forget it all.

We departed East Lansing around 5:30 but, due to an error in the Google directions, we went a bit out of our way on the approach to Cleveland and didn't make it to the hotel until a bit after 10. However, we managed to get checked in, then promptly got lost trying to get to the dance hall. In my defense, I was trying to locate it using a map on which it was not marked, furthermore, when I asked for directions I was sent off the wrong way, despite being kitty-corner to the building at which I was attempting to arrive. Soooo close, maybe I should just be a better stereotypical guy and just stop asking for directions. Finally, around 11, we managed to find the dance hall, in time to catch the finals of the Solo Jazz competition and social dance for a few hours.

I wimped out and left early, at around 1:20 AM, so I could beat the group back to the hotel and grab a shower. My plans changed on the way back when my stomach reminded me that the only food I'd had in the last nine and a half hours was a strawberry strudel stick on the ride down. At the hotel I was told there was a 24 hour McDonald about 4 blocks away. It turned out to be more like 10-20 blocks away, and only the drive-thru (sic) was open 24 hours, but a 40 minute walk alone through sketchy Cleveland neighborhoods at 2 AM was a good way to cool down after dancing, and I think it makes a rather amusing story. Failing to find food, I showered and went to sleep.

The next morning ostensibly there were try-outs for workshop tracks 3 and 4. We arrived, watched the people who wanted into level 5 tryout, then were informed that anyone who wanted to do level 3 was welcome to do so. I found this somewhat disappointing, because I really did want to know if I was "level 3 material," whatever that means. I guess I am not immune from desiring external validation (which is why you should comment). However, just guessing from my ability to follow the lessons and from the follows with whom I danced, I think level 3 was a fine place for me.

The first lesson was on finding places when dancing to improvise and be yourself. Although I didn't really take too much away from this one, Karen and Andrew were very amusing instructors and it was quite the enjoyable lesson to attend. We did a variant on Sailor Kicks (that destroyed my quads, by the way), a pass-by that ended with interpretive flair and worked on improvising in the space between hand-to-hand Charlestons. The second lesson was also by Karen and Andrew, so more fun, and it concerned dancing without physical connection. We did a toss out from hand-to-hand into a scarecrow slump, and some sort of variant on a free spin after a tuck turn that I should ask about tonight, because I am a bit blurry on that move, but I enjoyed it.

After the "morning" lessons we went and got lunch. This was at almost 2:00, if you are keeping track you may have noticed I didn't mention a breakfast, so I was very happy to get to lunch. We went to a delicious smoothie place north of campus, and I got a turkey/guacamole sandwich and a orange/mango/strawberry/banana smoothie that was the first smoothie that was everything I have wanted from a smoothie since I moved out of the dorms and stopped going to Main Squeeze as an undergraduate, nigh unto five years ago. Like I said, I was very happy to get lunch!

Following lunch we had the final track workshop for the day, this time taught by Kevin and Jo (happy Birthday Jo!!!). They were amazing! The entire time was spent drilling the difference between leading half counts (a step every other beat), full count (a step every beat), and triple steps (three steps every two beats, did you really need that one explained?). While this may seems like a very technical detail, I think being able to communicate nuance through connection is one of the most important and fulfilling things to develop. Once you are able to cleanly lead stylistic changes, then you can really do a ton of interpretative things secure in the confidence that your point will come across in your connection. Unfortunately, I have a lot of work to do on my connection, including toning it down, but I always take joy in drilling a technical detail.

Enough gushing Kenny. We had our first elective next. While I started out in Aerials, because the class was quite daunting I ended up in Solo Charleston, which finished off whatever quad strength I had left. I would like to eventually go through the Aerials lesson, because I think it is an interesting and visually appealing part of swing dancing, but I was quite happy to finally learn how Jump Charleston works, because it is also quite fun to watch! The Charleston lesson threw a ton of moves at us, some of which I actually sort of could do, but most of which I will have to work on a lot more if I want them to feel right.

Dinner was a mediocre shawarma wrap, but I'm starting to get the feeling that all shawarma is mediocre, because when I got it in Corvallis I was similarly unimpressed. I guess I just don't like shawarma, but it was fun to see more of Cleveland near the campus. After dinner was open dancing and the Jack and Jill competition, both of which were fun. There was also a great Shim-Sham where I grabbed an amazing follow after the routine on accident, so much fun!!! My one peeve was that they kept doing show off circles during songs fast enough to be challenging single-time swings. However, I cannot complain too much because watching people Lindy Hop to a song that I forced to stay on my toes to single-time to is incredible. This was also when the instructors would really strut their stuff, and boy did they have stuff to strut.

After the main dance in the dance hall ended, we went to the later dance. There I got to break out a bit of West Coast as the DJ played some contemporary pop music. However, I was quite exhausted, so I ended up just going downstairs and listening to live blues. On a related note, I am somewhat excited to learn blues at Pirate Swing next month, as long as I can avoid uncomfortably close dancing with people I don't know well. This ended Saturday's festivities, at around 3 AM.

Sunday we had our last track lesson, which started blessedly after noon. This was a routine designed to highlight using one's own position and momentum to lead a move. However, since the movie was rather involved and challenging, I had enough trouble remembering what I was supposed to be leading without worrying about trying to lead it correctly. By which I mean, if I remember what is supposed to be happening a beat or two too late, no matter how well my lead goes, it will not be well led. Oh well, more to work on! Just so I remember, the routine was a tuck-less tuck-turn with a hand swap, followed by a linear tuck-freespin where I turn against my frame's rotation (which was the first thing causing me trouble), picking up in left to right for the oppositional triples, to a hand pass into a tuck-freespin for each of us, finishing left to left for a passby and another tuck-freesipn.

Last two lessons were both by Kevin and Jo. First was on slides, which made me want to pick up some proper dancing shoes. However, my worn nearly away street shoes were slippery enough for me to biff it on a slide when one of my legs shot out from under me as I was trying to switch which foot was in the lead, earning me my sliding dust and a gold star. The second lesson was much more up my alley, as it focused on the nitpicky, technical, and seriously important skill of counterbalancing. As someone in the car noted on our way home, everyone should be required to attend such a lesson.

This ended the workshop portion of the weekend. There was one last, small, social dance filled with exhausted dancers trying to get in just a little last dancing. Then we left and came home. Unfortunately I forgot to bring my newer shoes with me, which is sad, but my older ones are more comfortable anyway, as long as the ground stays dry so their many holes don't become an issue. It was a quiet, tired car that returned to East Lansing, but what an absolutely wonderful weekend!

Madera Canyon

On Monday, my sister, my brother-in-law, and did some hiking in Madera Canyon, Arizona. We took a 2.5 mile trail up 1700 feet to the Josephine Saddle, then a 3.7 mile trail back down. The going would have been significantly faster if it were not for all the ice on the trail at higher elevations, which made middle part of the trip interesting/exciting/terrifying, depending on how you choose to look at it.

I took quite a bit of video along the way, but editing that takes a lot of time and a much better computer than I've got with me at the moment, so I think I'm just going to steal pictures from my sister and post those. One thing I greatly appreciated throughout the hike was how pleasant the other hikers we passed were. The first person we stopped to talk with on our way up turned out to be a graduate of Oregon State University (small world) class of '65. He let us know that the last third of the trail was icy and that the way we had chosen to go down would be less so. How little we knew what problems this would cause!

Looking up toward Mt Wrightston, far right behind the tree, from the beginning of the trail. If I had to guess, I'd say Josephine Saddle is lower, behind the tree.

The ridge line left (northeast) of the peak in the previous image.

By this point we were in the snow/ice, it is slippery. Flat ice is much better than tilted ice! You can see Mt. Wrightston  in the upper right. The saddle is probably still too far to the right to see.

I'm mainly including this one just to illustrate how beautiful it was up there. Everything is suffused with a soft, blue glow. You can also see one of the trees we needed to climb over in the icy stretch.

Here I am from the saddle, as far as we went. Look how much closer the top of Mt. Wrightston is, so close...

As we went down Super Trail the scenery was much more desert-like. See the cactus... thingy... Ignore the snow!

This is not the peak toward which we were hiking, it  is west and a little north of Mt Wrightston. However, the trail we walked up is somewhere around/below the bottom of this photo, so you get the idea that the one we walked down was across the canyon from it.

To emphasize that this was, indeed, a desert, here are some of the little lizard thingies we saw sunning themselves on a rock. There were a lot more of them, and we passed another colony later on the way down. The difference in conditions between places having Eastern exposure, facing the sun, and places that did not was startling!

As we walked down, on the east face of the canyon, we saw some spectacular vistas which were obscured as we hiked up the west face. I believe that is Green Valley, where we were staying, you can see in the distance.

One last look up at the west face. I know this wasn't too near the end, as eventually we descended far enough that the sun was totally obscured and in returned to being somewhat chilly, but this is the last photo I could steal from my sister.

NaNoBloYoFo...PoPo

So, my sister wanted me to write a blog post filled with her quotes, even though, in her own words, "I'm not that funny." So, I think I'll do something like that today. My brother-in-law suggests that I post a mixture of quotes from Karen and Nietzsche quotes and have you, the home audience, try to guess which is which. But I think I'll just steal a bunch of strange things my sister has said that I posted to Facebook.

Here is a conversation between myself and my sister.

Hermana: I was hoping that someone at least would notice I looked like I'm from Eugene.
Me: Dirty hippie?
Hermana: I was hoping for the regular type of hippie.

Me: That IS the regular type of hippie.

To put this conversation into context, we had just returned from a candlelight service at a local church. I, being the soul of style, went with a modest black ensemble announcing, "Look at me still talking when there's Science to do." Karen, however, felt the need to dress up in sandals and multicolored socks to proclaim her crazy hippie roots. In both our defenses, at least we were clean.

Later that evening I began to whistle one Christmas carol or another. The vibrato I put on some of the notes reminded Karen of Gandalf's whistle to summon Shadowfax in The Lord of the Rings movies. So, she exclaimed, "Here comes Shadowfax, the Christmas pony!" Whereupon we immediately attempted to come up with lyrics to the obvious Christmas song variation.

Unfortunately, my sister isn't immune to fame. Knowing I had posted how amusing she was, and various friends had noticed this and "liked" it, whatever that means, she grew hungry for still more attention and acclaim. This led her to badger me to see if more people had "liked" the status over night, culminating with the rather unfortunate exclamation, "Has anyone liked this today? What! Only four people liked it, don't all your friends like me?!" I promise, she is not as insecure as she sounds, she just acknowledges how awesome my friends tend to be.

My sister is, of course, pretty awesome herself. I hope you have enjoyed this glimpse into my family, and maybe understand a bit better where someone as silly as me could have come from. If this wasn't enjoyable, sorry; when trying to post every day, they cannot all be winners. After all, as my sister says, "It's NaNoBloYoFo...PoPo""

Live Your Life

For over a week now I have had a draft of my next post on Identity open, waiting for me to straighten out my thoughts enough to forge ahead on it. However, I tend to think dialogically, so presenting my thoughts in a narrative format can be difficult. So, in the mean time let me post something less substancial.

Toward the beginning of this calendar year, when I was updating at a good rate, I ran a series of thoughts inspired by pop music. This song did not make the series because it doesn't really inspire interesting academic type thoughts, but I love the message of accepting that the past has happened, then dealing with being one's self in the present. I'm not happy with the slow rate that I am posting here, but I am living my life as best I can, and I stand by that!

It's Not the Sweetest Thing

So, a year ago, give or take a week, I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. I believe I made passing reference to this once, but in honor of the anniversary, I thought I'd treat this to a bit more thorough an examination.

I have seen very positive results to my physical fitness as a result. In the past year I have ridden the East Lansing bus about 23 times, walking for most of my other intra-Lansing trips, although anything over 3 miles I tend to walk one way and beg a ride the other. I have lost 55 pounds, which seems quite good, but also highlights how much excess weight I was/am still carrying. I make a point to be more active, adding ping-pong and more dancing to my usual fare of dancing. And I try to eat, if not well, then at least less.

I cannot totally attribute this turn around to my diagnosis. As I mentioned to my parents shortly after my diagnosis, it may have been a wake up call, but I was a lighter sleeper than usual at the time as well. Even before that summer, I was gradually wresting my life back from a malaise that had gripped me for a few years, probably instigated by a break up that rather unsettled my life, then prolonged by my incredibly brilliant idea to move to a place where I had no social support a couple years later, when I think I was actually making decent progress climbing out of the first emotional pit I was in.

Anyway, a couple of months prior to this I had started dancing in Michigan finally, so it was the first time I was dancing weekly since graduating. Even my willingness to make a follow up appointment and get my diagnosis indicates something good about my state of mind, as my first inclination when faced with an excess of stress is to curl up in fetal position (metaphorically sometimes) and hope it goes away.

However, getting diagnosed was not all roses and lollipops as it may sound. I really wish that I had blogged or journaled in those first couple of months following my diagnosis, as my thought process was interesting and I would like a first hand account of it. I remember feeling very guilty! I was also bitter, at my first appointment I was provisionally diagnosed as pre-diabetic, and I actually changed my diet and behavior as a response to that, which was odd for me. It isn't as though the diagnosis came as a surprise, our health education system is good enough that a smart kid like me got the message that being sedentary and overweight was a recipe for all sorts of health problems, I just didn't want to/didn't think I was able to confront my lifestyle issues.

So, to be diagnosed as a diabetic about a week after I came to believe that I was capable of doing something about my health was a bitter pill. I'd like to say ironic, but that usually indicates unexpected, maybe it was ironic in the sense that it felt like a cosmic joke. Fortunately, this bitterness has somewhat abated with the realization that, for the most part, being diabetic has not adversely affected my opportunities. I take pills twice a day and eat more like I should have been eating anyway and my blood sugar nearly regulates itself (crazy homeostasis, I know!). The only extra needles I face are twice a year to have my blood tested, since little pinpricks for self-tests hardly count.

As I mentioned, I felt guilty, and continue to feel that way. Partially because I do believe that if I'd eaten better from the get-go I probably would not have developed diabetes. This guilt is partially, but not entirely, alleviated by my belief that at least now I am dealing with it in a fairly positive manner. But what really makes me feel guilty is Type I diabetics. I feel like I am trivializing what they HAVE to go through, due to a birth condition, by calling my rather manageable and somewhat self-inflicted problem diabetes.

I also was very sad or shocked when I first got the diagnosis. Whatever the reason, I spent quite a bit of time morosely brooding about it and crying when I was safely ensconced someplace private. This has almost completely subsided, as I have no real justification to wallow in self pity and the reality of the diagnosis has seeped in.

Finally, I am afraid. Less afraid than when I was first diagnosed, but still afraid. Apparently diabetes can kill you, but that isn't really immediate enough to really worry me. The two symptoms I really associate with diabetes are vision loss and progressive numbing of the extremities. These threaten two of the three best things I do in my life, reading and dancing. So sure, diabetes could kill me, but before it does that it can already take my life away. Late January some of my toes and the side of my foot seemed to lose some sensitivity, once you are consciously trying to feel if your foot feels normal, odds are however it feels will not feel normal. My doctor thinks a pinched nerve is the most likely cause, and it certainly didn't present in a manner consistent with a diabetic system, but for a couple of weeks I was very frightened, and it kept occurring to me that this was too soon, I was not ready to stop dancing. I don't think that I ever will be.

I still play it somewhat close to the vest with my diagnosis, sure I am posting on my blog about it, but that means what, ten people I know will find out, and most of you probably already knew anyway. Part of this is because it isn't really something that comes up in polite conversation, because I can pretty much eat whatever I want still, just now I do so with a mind toward moderation. But, a very real part of it is the guilt, I just don't really want people to know that I am diabetic, like I try to hide most of my flaws, with rather limited success in many areas. However, I don't want people to think I am hiding it from them because I distrust them or something, so when it does come up I try to be open about it, until I can shift the subject, and I think it is probably healthier to be open about it, as I don't really like secrets, so I am even trying to become comfortable bringing it up in conversation. As far as the Internet goes, comfort is still lacking, but I am able to broach the topic now. Presuming I posted this, eh?

Purpose

"It is purpose that created us. Purpose that connects us. Purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drive us. It is purpose that defines, purpose that binds us." In the Land of Mordor, where the shadows lie(brary). Sorry, the Agent Smith/Elrond juxtaposition always amuses me, and once you've made one seriously nerdy reference jump, it feels good to make another.

One thing that has been on my mind frequently since starting grad school is purpose. Perhaps it is some cruel biological imperative, but part of me imagines that a family probably gives life fairly immediate purpose. The need to live amicably together, provide for each other, and raise what children you end up stuck with seems like it provides a context of meaning for one's life, a goal, a purpose. At the metaphorical end of the day you have something concrete upon which to look and decide that you have accomplished something.

Having neither close family, nor temporally grounded hopes of one, the question of purpose has weighed upon me the past few years, as those exposed to my feelings about being in grad school may have heard. I don't believe that this was something that bothered me during my K-12 education, perhaps I viewed the idea of "growing up" as sufficient justification, or I didn't take a long enough view of my life to bother justifying it, or I'm idealizing childhood and misremembering it. I am fairly certain I also avoided similar worries as an undergraduate, perhaps the studies seemed sufficiently fulfilling, I don't know.

However, the past few years I have come to wonder if a life dedicated to mathematics is one with which I can be satisfied. Looking back do I want to consider my greatest accomplishment to be a succession of people who understand mathematics slightly better than before they met me? The answer, generally, is no.

So I write in this blog, hoping to remain intellectually alert and do something that seems worthwhile, by which I mean encourage people to think deeply and share in an interchange of serious ideas. Of course, a blog hardly seems like enough purpose to get one through all the multifarious troubles inherent in daily life, so I keep searching.

The Hunger Games: Or Why Bloodsport is Bad

When asked to do a blog post motivated in some way by Suzanne Collins' book, The Hunger Games, a post decrying the immorality of bloodsport, or watching other people risk their lives for your entertainment, was my immediate thought. I can write it without serious spoilers to the plot of the book, as the eponymous Hunger Games are explained fairly early in to be a competition of 24 children from the twelve subjugated Districts in which at then end, in classic Highlander tradition, there can be only one. However, I was concerned that there might be no need for such a post, as most modern societies find the concept of human duels to the death to be, at least overtly, in poor taste. Upon further reflection I feel that there is a bit to say on the subject, and so I shall say it here.

After my initial moral repugnance to the notion of forcing children to battle to the death for entertainment, my first thought was to ask why I had such an aversion to this practice. The narration makes it clear that even outside of the Arena, site of the Hunger Games, life in the Districts of Panem is fraught with uncertainties. To be sure, a survival rate of less than 5% is a bit bleaker than in society at large, but if the Hunger Games were in a very real sense metaphorical for the struggle to survive in the Districts, was my horror at them explained merely because they were more lethal than society at large?

The answer I came to in the end was no. There was a key difference between the indifferent cruelty that perpetuated a system where starvation was a very real and pervasive threat, and the deliberate sadism displayed in forcing people to kill each other for sport. The difference is neatly summed up by my favorite Kantian maxim, that we ought always respect the agency of other people. We all go into the world each day and take our chances with our newest chance at reality, and every day some of us do not survive to see nightfall again. Certainly perpetuating a system in which a large number of people find their mortal end so young in life ought to be immoral by some other standard, but at least it preserves their right to make their own way through their world. On the other hand, to purposefully place them into a situation of mortal combat is as extreme an example of using other humans purely as an instrument to an end as I can think of.

"So what?" you may be asking, after all, most people agree that making playthings out of people is in poor taste. However, upon further consideration it occurred to me that our society still contains dangerous impulses in that direction. I am not merely referring to our penchant for using other species as playthings, in the cases of rodeos, races, and Mike Vic-esque acts of villainy, but rather the explicit use of people for entertainment. Subtle things like dangerous sports, I have been intending to write a post regarding football injuries since mid-January, and reality television. These endeavors are characterized in that they serve no apparent purpose other than entertainment and seek to convey a sense of danger to the participants.

Of course, you might argue that they are structured so as to minimize, or at least mitigate, the chances of a fatality. One cannot dispute the reality of on-field deaths in professional sports, which ignores the host of lesser ills and injuries that occur with disturbing regularity. I also can remember ads on Hulu for an episode of Deadliest Catch in which one of the, quite real, fisherpeople dies. According to Wikipedia, the episode in question is the most watched in the series.

There is a difference between shows like Deadliest Catch, which tape people doing things that, presumably, they would be doing otherwise, and shows like Fear Factor which contrive to put people in situations of perceived danger. However, I bring it up to highlight our fascination with the entertainment of death. I am by no means immune to this allure. Earlier this year I heard about the movie Grizzly Man, which details the last camping trip of a bear enthusiast and his girlfriend, a trip which terminates in both their deaths in a bear attack. While I admit it is macabre, I find the notion of watching the last actions of people who I know are about to die intriguing on some level. "We who are about to die salute you," as it were.

In light of our continued fascination with our mortality, and the endless opportunities for entertainment therein, it seems like stories like The Hunger Games, which reinforce our aversion to such entertainment, continue to have a purpose. Of course, even if you feel no particular desire to watch people fight to the death for your pleasure, I still recommend the book as an all around good read! I think that I shall write a further, more spoiler-iffic post regarding the series as a whole at a later date.

What is Best in Life?

This post was going to be titled, "What is Good?" but who can resist a corny movie reference? It is, of course, directly inspired by my sister's wonderful post encouraging that we seek good, but it may also address the question, "what matters?" which has been brought up.

While I have my own answer to these questions, and have for a long time, I was initially only going to discuss what these questions might mean to different people. I do like to leave you to find your own answers, as it is both an immensely satisfying project and the only way you will truly believe your own answer. However, I am dismayed with how people often answer this question when they do not agree with me, with money, fame, religion, or power in some combination, so I think it worthwhile to advocate for my own answer.

My answer to these questions was determined when I was in high school, and has yet to change. At that time, I considered the question, "what is the most important thing in the world to me?" The answer that fairly quickly presented itself was the people around me. In some sense, other people are the only things in this world that are real. For example, while a car may exist on a purely physical level as a thing of steel and oil, it is only a construction in our minds that understands that a car is a vehicle. Perhaps more telling is the existence of a book, without our minds interpretation a book is nearly impossible to tell apart from a blank journal, both hold almost exactly the same physical form, but a book can impart so much more to our minds. On the other hand, each and every person you will ever meet, or even with whom you will interact, carries around her or his own mind. This means that it doesn't matter how deeply you consider their existence, they still exist. Which, to me, means that their existence is once of the most important things to consider thoroughly.

This is not to say that money, fame, religion, or power are inherently bad values, just that without including people as one of your primary concerns you dance perilously close to becoming a monster. Without a concern for people, revering money quickly leads to the types of exploitation we see in colonialism or in Enron's treatment of their employees. If you seek fame, but not common good, one might become a cult leader, or the heartless star of a reality show if one prefers to avoid the Kool-Aide. Religion fervency that is not tempered with genuine human compassion can lead to religion violence, something most every religion experiences from some followers, or evangelists whose aid is conditional upon displays of piety from the needy. The pursuit of power regardless of the cost to others paves the way for poster-child evil politicians. I personally consider fame and religion to be among my motivators, but I attempt to always temper my endeavors with a consideration for my fellow humans.

So, go, find what you think is important! Once you do, look for it! But I implore you to place other humans high in your priorities.

October, and the Crushing Weight of Existence

Well, today is the seventh of October. I did not want a week of October to pass by without a post, so it seems I am logically compelled to post today. As you may have noticed, I failed to keep to my MWF updates, even after F became "weekend." So, I am setting a less strenuous schedule for myself this month. In short, I shall update at least once every seven days, about a topic of my choosing. I have quite a few posts about the education system and education in general running around in my head, in embarrassingly unpolished format unfortunately, so that may become this month's impromptu subject. This is fitting, as many of the people I imagine read my blog are educators.

Since just updating you upon my plans for updating this blog in October seems like a terrible cop out on my part, I am also going to post something that I wrote elsewhere, about my experiences walking home today.

I finished the book I was reading, Sophie's World, today, which I think warrants a celebration. In what I read today, the existentialists were covered, and the author talked about Sartre's notion that as beings that exist, we owe it to ourselves to do SOMETHING with our existence. Oddly enough, both of the books I have read this school year have inspired this thought in me, as it has been nagging me since I finished Deadline, by Chris Crutcher. I imagine that I was previously aware of Sartre's thought on the subject, because we talked a bit about existentialism in a Feminist Philosophy course when I was an undergrad.

Anyway, as I was walking home under the darkened sky, I almost began crying at the thought of how much I would never understand. Then, as I almost was home, it occurred to me that my dissatisfaction may be because I have lost my faith in mathematics. I remember being quite upset in high school when I realized that there were open problems in mathematics, that is, statements that we are fairly sure are either true or false, but we cannot prove certainly to be one or the other. However, I stuck with mathematics, as it seemed the best method to make sense out of the chaos by which we are surrounded.

Now though, I inch out along a slender branch, toward the tips of a tree of mathematical knowledge, seeking the budding areas where soon new growth will occur. My problem is no longer that these areas of uncertainty exist, but that in reaching them, I have lost sight of the ground from which I began my climb. In an attempt to gain an advantageous viewpoint of my surroundings, I have instead become so myopically focused on the tree I am climbing that I have lost track of my surroundings entirely.

The natural follow up question I asked myself is, would studying philosophy become a remedy to this myopia, or merely a repetition of the mistake that I have already made once? I suppose that since philosophy often concerns itself with the larger picture of what is and what should, it may be more conducive to keeping the vastness and wonder of existence in focus. However, I do believe that more than a few great philosophers have found themselves staring into philosophy and discovering an ever hungry void of uncertainty that has scarred them to the soul.

Anyway, since I have no dependents, nor partner, nor expectation or inclination for this to change in the immediate future, I have great freedom, what Sartre might describe as terrifying freedom, to shape my life at this point. It seems only fitting that I take some time to reflect on what I owe it to myself to do with that freedom. Of course, if you have any suggestions, fill free to leave them, I obviously am not making too much progress upon my own.

Mea Culpa

This time I did not forget that it was Friday, my fault no post on consciousness last week. With the semester getting into swing and such, I have been feeling down again, and putting serious thought and effort into a post has just seemed overwhelming. However, since one of my intentions for this blog is to keep myself thinking philosophically even when I just want to curl up and hide, I shall attempt to get back upon the horse.

To that end, you can certainly expect a Theological post come Wednesday. I am leaning toward discussing my interpretation of salvation, I was going to do this anyway, but I think I'll advance the timetable because my sister posted a wonderful and caring post on this topic. Come Friday I shall post something related to the philosophy of consciousness.

Part of the reason for no post last Friday is a lack of ideas on what to post, I plan to talk about the ghost in the machine, which is enough for a short post at the moment, but no additional topic to get it to full size. Of course, not wanting to think about what to post does influence how full of ideas I am. If I come up with material for a fourth post on consciousness, I shall post a make up sometime. I think I had four posts planned out, so I should just have to remember what I was going to talk about, but we'll see.

Nothing particularly new in my life, but I feel this has been about my life enough to satisfy the Monday requirement. Classes and teaching are draining me of my elan vital. It is ironic that when classes start they drain all my motivation to think, right? I think I am going to drop my first grad class, I can get more sleep, stress a little less, it isn't terribly interesting, and I haven't gone to the last to meetings. Well, hope others are having more successful school starts.

My Forgetful Mind

Almost went to bed, then I remembered I owe you all an update on my life. Since I am sleepy this shall be short. Fortunately, not much particularly interesting happened in the past week. Classes, both as a student and teacher, progress apace. I am trying to bring the energy to the subject Frank, but I think I only managed to come off as a manic scatterbrain today. Oh well, there is always tomorrow, literally. You can tell college level educators are spoiled by how disappointing/draining it is to teach two days in a row. Of course, this summer I taught 2 hours a day 4 days a week, so this shouldn't be too hard.

The only unusual occurrence this past week was the Math Department Grad Prom. As you might imagine, it involved a bunch of math grads, and some of our friends, getting together and acting like high schoolers for a couple of hours. There was some dancing (not the real kind for the most part, I said high school remember). Getting people on the floor wasn't as difficult as in high school, so I guess people do become more self confident as they get older. I would sum the event up as somewhat fun and very tiring.

It's September!

So, last Tuesday I asked what people thought about some ideas for changes to my blog. I got one response, saying that everything I suggested sounded interesting, which is somewhat flattering. However, you are still welcome to go submit your input if you want to deflate my ego a little, steer me towards a specific track, or suggest something I may have overlooked. For now I think I'll set a schedule for September and go from there, who knows what we'll look like in October, it's exciting.

For September I am going to run a series on the Philosophy of Consciousness Fridays. I have the first one up, and you can expect the next one at the end of this week. Mondays (ooo, that's today!) will be an informal day, hopefully updating you on my life, or whatever. Then Wednesdays I shall put up some theological musings. I have decided to try to break the grip alliteration holds upon my mind, so theology will not be on Thursdays, and this will not be Sci-Fi September. On that note, I do have a series of Sci-Fi themed posts brewing, and they were going to go up this month, but I found the idea of consciousness more interesting, so it went first.

I have been trying to read more, those of you who knew me in high school, or earlier, probably remember that I was a voracious reader. I have let that facet of my personality slip, to my detriment I believe. Earlier this month I read Blindsight, a really bleak but interesting Sci-Fi novel about aliens with a strong undercurrent of philosophy of consciousness/mind theme. This partially explains why that topic won out this month. Right now I am trying to get through a chapter of ManefestA each day, and I have Sophie's World stashed in my office for down time. Considering how absolutely mind-numbing office hours are sometimes (often), I think stashing a book in there will really improve my mental habits. Sophie's World was recommended to me as an interesting fictional narrative which introduces one to a basic overview of Western Philosophy, ManefestA, as I understand it, is an overview of the state of Third Wave feminism as of the year 2000.

Went to a Labor Day get together with graduates from the math department today. There was food and conversation, the host had a really nice townhouse. Not much to say there, I am trying to be more social in Michigan, seems useful if I am going to be here three to five more years, never say I don't try. On the here x years more, those of you who follow me on FaceBook (FB) may have noticed I passed my third qualifying exam two weeks ago, knocking over another hurdle in my way on the math to philosophical doctor-hood.

The classes I am taking seem ok. I definitely like Group Theory, and am thinking of going into that subject, a scary decision I now face having completed quals. Algebraic Geometry seems like it will be tolerable, the first day was an incomprehensible overview of the subject, and I didn't sleep Thursday night so Friday was a bit blurry, but seemed to be familiar material, introducing affine and projective spaces and varieties, you know ;). Number Theory meets for the first time Wednesday.

As for teaching, I am solidifying my decision to pursue a Philosophy Ph.D. after I finish here (hopefully finish=get doctorate). I am sure my students are decent pupils, they are taking Calc II, which is something that indifferent math students can certainly do, but they are taking it in the evening, that must mean something? However, I hardly get any intellectual enthusiasm from them. My lectures feel boring even to me, but when I try to liven it up by asking questions, I feel like I am pulling teeth. I really want to try teaching a discussion based class, but don't feel that is the most appropriate manner in which to teach math, especially to 38 students. I know a lot of people are down on mathematics, saying they don't like it and whatnot. But consider this, how do you think your teacher feels being stuck lecturing to an apathetic crowd who bring almost no energy or feedback to the relationship? Sorry for the mini-rant, I get depressed at how dehumanizing teaching sometimes is.

Oh, back to reading! I am planning to attempt the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus by Wittgenstein, which might be the seminal piece in analytic philosophy and modern philosophy of language. If other people want to read it, I would certainly welcome a support group to hold each other accountable for timely reading and with whom to discuss the content. It is also considered one of the more opaque works of philosophy, so perhaps a background in reading philosophy would be helpful, but I certainly wouldn't turn down any people desiring to participate. I got my copy Friday, but I am definitely waiting until I finish ManefestA to begin.

That seems to be enough, have a good week!

An Important Question

Well, since I took an algebra qual yesterday, I was going to be a jerk and ask some strange algebra question, to get back at all the people who ask, "Math, what do you study in math anyway?" But they probably don't read this anyway. If you are interested, feel free to find the Galois group of x^4-5 over the rationals.

Anyway, then I had a friend ask for a question. I doubt he wants to spend his afternoon researching abstract algebra to the point that he can answer this question, so I must provide a better question.

A while ago I was reading a book, called Looking For Alaska, wherein the characters were asked to write an essay for their religious class. The subject of the essay, as best I can recall as it was a library book I have since returned, was for them to give what they think is the most important question about our human experience and how the religions of Buddhism, Christianity, and Islam attempt to answer this question.

In thinking about this topic, I decided that the most important question I could come up with is, "What is important?" We are allotted limited time upon this earth and knowing what is important is essential to prioritizing that time and avoiding regrets. I have a fairly good idea how Christianity and Islam answer this question, so I am more interested in how you would answer the question.

For those of us who may be stuck in teacher training, I'm making this Tuesday a real time-killing doozy, multiple hard questions for your consideration. Listed starting with the ones I'm most interested in hearing your answers. What do you think is important to prioritize in life? What are important questions about our existence for us to consider, and why? If you come up with another question, how do religions attempt to answer it? How do religions attempt to answer what is important (emphasis on Buddhism, since I have no idea how they would answer it, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on Christianity and Islam if you want to share them? And finally, if G is a p-group, why does G necessarily have a non-trivial, abelian, factor group?

Ha, ok, I couldn't help myself. That last one is a question from the qual I couldn't answer, so if you can please explain. Spell checker not knowing abelian is a word loses Chrome some of my respect. If you think about these questions I would be interested in hearing your thoughts!

Do the Time Warp

So, I wasn't going to post until Friday, partially out of passive-aggressive response to the lack of response to what you want me to do, and partially because I was worried that the lack of response is because I am simply overwhelming people with me post frequency. Then it occurred to me, I did write a post where I quite explicitly said I would be making an effort to post thoughtful material only on Friday, and maybe people just underestimated how much non-thought-provoking material I can come up with during the week. If that is the case, and you are reading this after Friday's post, I am sorry for the ton of stuff I put up here secretly this week. It is summer, my class is over, and I am a little BORED, though the weather is helping, I am too uncomfortable to worry too much about being bored.

Anyway, I put up a discussion of some lyrics I wrote, the lyrics, then a horrible quality file of me singing the song. Then I put up links to a better quality file, and to two better quality projects. I also had a thoughtful post on the 4th, which got exempted from the Friday rule due to holiday. Finally I asked for more participation from you (unless you happen to be Kenny proofreading this), because I can think these thoughts all night long (and have) without putting them online. I put them online so they can develop, which only happens with your help, or at least entertain/interest you, which can be done without your response, but I won't know what is entertaining/interesting you so I may not be able to tailor what I do to your desires. So, that's the interesting stuff since last Friday in a nutshell, if I forgot something it probably wasn't that important.

For those of you who linked from FB, I promised a viewing of my "to-do" list. I posted this on June 14th 2005, so it was really cool to see what I have done. If you have suggestions or want to help me with unpursued goals, please let me know! Isn't that a good excuse to leave a comment?

"So while I'm not doing anything I thought I'd list some things I want to do with my life, and maybe get started on them.

Visit the British Isles and while I'm there see Hadrian's Wall
Visit Rome after I...
Learn Italian after I...
Learn German
Ride the trans-Siberian railway
Write a novel I'm happy with, even if it is never published
Teach high school at least once
Teach at a university at least once
Live in a city and not drive a car
Live where I'm the only house in sight
Live in the outdoors for weeks at a time, kayaking, canoeing, or backpacking
Get a BA in a liberal arts subject
Program a computer game I am proud of"

First off, notice how I have time to kill in the summers...
1) I have not visited Britan or Hadrian's Wall, still to-do.
2) Also no, hmm, maybe I should get around to getting that passport, but first...
3) Still no, wow, a discouraging start, fortunately...
4) Took two years at OSU, and will take more for my PhD, I wouldn't consider it "learned," but enough for a check mark.
5) Nope.
6) Uh-uh (no). Although, I have plenty of ideas, I guess I need to settle in for some productivity and start some time.
7) Nope, and I hope I don't need to get to much licensing to complete this goal, maybe a private school?
8) I'm going to put a check mark here, although I am not a professor, I have taught classes at Michigan State University. New goal, have control of the syllabus.
9) Check, Lansing had better count, since from where I'm standing it sure seems like a big city, and I do not own a car.
10) Doesn't count if my parents decided to move there, or I think I'd have been done at birth. Doing this while being car-less and a university student would be hard.
11) I'll give this a maybe, I spent 5 days on an AWESOME kayak trip later that same summer, which I certainly think counts, but I want to do this again, so it stays.
12) Definitely a check, I was considering Anthropology when I wrote this, but that requires you to talk to strangers, my BA in Philosophy counts (and was also awesome, and the reason I got 4 done).
13) Not yet, and this one I may have to drop, or amend, since I have sensibly decided that I don't ever want to do that much programming myself. Storyboarding a game would be fun, working on game mechanics would be fun, but writing the code, that's a task I want some help with. So, who wants to make a game (and has the necessary knowledge to make up for my ignorance)?

Well, I'm proud of what I've accomplished (almost 25% there, now if I just live to be 100...).

I'm Sorry, I Lose

I was just reading through some old blogs, and feeling terribly nostalgic, when I remembered that I had, with perfect sincerity, intended to update this more often. Now, unfortunately, I cannot even remember my idea for Cities & Knights on a large board with fewer players, I assume that raising the victory point thresh-hold for victory was part of it. In other news, board game night this evening, at which I played Settlers, and Dominion for the first time since acquiring it. If you enjoy strategy games or CCG (collectible card games) I suggest you give this game a try some time.

Other news, I have been attempting to restructure my life in order to regain the feeling that I am living it, rather than suffering through it. Toward that end I have recently resumed my dancing ways in some small manner. This serves the double purpose of being a gateway to awesomeness and providing some fresh water to my small and swiftly stagnating social circle. Unfortunately I managed to forget much of that which I used to know. Fortunately, this can be remedied by dancing, which is pretty fun as remedies go.

Health has been touch and go since last I posted, last semester I played host to what I identified as a flu and at another time a cold, in addition to two professionally diagnosed ear infections, one in each ear at the same time at least. This semester has been better, I was sick recently, I cold I believe, and have had annoying sinus issues all term. There is something to be said for being ill, since once I recover there is an increased appreciation of whatever level of health I have regained. Also in the plus column, my cold was timed properly to mess up a weekend, rather than interfering with my dancing schedule.

Well, being up until 6 AM is not entirely in keeping with my new attitude toward life, but I think it is forgivable considering the spring break situation. However, I shall be heading to bed now. Hopefully this time I shall actually update more often. I am considering mentioning my blog on Facebook in order to drum up interest, and hopefully responses, which would in turn increase my own interest in the project. We'll see, I might end up being to proud to do something that sounds so much like asking for attention.